


Lord Vexington

by protectoroffaeries



Category: Skulduggery Pleasant - Derek Landy
Genre: Harry Potter AU, M/M, dexter has a potty mouth, dexter's last name is vexington poor guy, not really related to my other HP AU fic, pre slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-19
Updated: 2016-05-19
Packaged: 2018-06-09 11:45:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,532
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6904630
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/protectoroffaeries/pseuds/protectoroffaeries
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dexter really hates his name. And his friends.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lord Vexington

**Author's Note:**

> So, I wrote this like a month ago after @swiftbell on tumblr made a hilarious comment about Dexter's pureblooded family being the Vexingtons, as that sounds more pretentious than Vex alone. I just got around to posting it.
> 
> There's a lot of swearing. Teenage boys, amiright?
> 
> All the mistakes are my own, naturally.
> 
> The Houses:
> 
> Ghastly and Larrikin - Hufflepuff  
> Anton and Skulduggery - Slytherin  
> Hopeless - Ravenclaw  
> Dexter, Erskine, and Saracen - Gryffindor

"Hey Vex," said a passing Gryffindor Dexter couldn't even remember the name of. That kid didn't know it, but he started the issue that would ruin Dexter's week.

"Why do people call you Vex?" Skulduggery asked, lounging on a couch in the Gryffindor common room and getting many annoyed and some downright angry stares. They didn't phase him in the slightest.

"That's his name," Erskine said, taking a bite of a chocolate frog. Larrikin, who was sitting on the arm of the sofa Skulduggery occupied, jumped up and scurried across the gap between the two and made a grab for Erskine's treat. Erskine held it out of his reach.

"Well, I suppose. A nickname, at least," mused Skulduggery. He paid no attention to the quasi-wrestling match going on across from him. 

"That's his surname, Skul," said Ghastly hesitantly, like he knew there was a catch but he wasn't exactly sure what that catch was. Dexter hoped that Skulduggery wouldn't do this to him. Not after all this time.

"Yes, but Vex is short for Vexington."

Larrikin stopped in midsnatch, dropping the chocolate frog to a grateful Erskine, who quickly popped the rest of it in his mouth. 

"You're kidding," murmured Hopeless without looking up from his textbook. Hopeless was an odd one for many reasons; one of those reasons was that he preferred to work while sitting on the carpet. He had his back to the couch that Larrikin and Erskine were on. 

"No he's not. Otherwise Dex's face wouldn't be so red," observed Anton. Damn him for noticing. Dexter wished he didn't blush quite so easily.

"There's no way your name is actually Dexter Vexington," Saracen said, shaking his head. He, Anton, and Ghastly were spread out across the floor as well, but unlike Hopeless, they weren't working. Neither was Dexter, who was actually sitting on the table between the two couches. Now that he thought about it, maybe those annoyed looks were at him, not Skulduggery.

"I... well... it is," Dexter admitted. "Unfortunately."

Larrikin scampered over from Erskine's side. "Why, my lord, why would you keep this from us?" he asked, putting on a ridiculously posh accent.

"Larrikin, don't start-"

"My deepest apologies, my lord."

"How dare you interrupt his lordship," Saracen said, a disturbing grin on his face. "He should have you drawn and quartered."

"Please don't start this," groaned Dexter. 

"What is that you don't want us to start, my lord?" Erskine asked. 

"Stop calling me your lord."

"What would you prefer we call you?" asked Anton. That wasn't good. If Anton, the most serious of the bunch, was getting involved, there would be no stopping them. 

"Your grace?" suggested Saracen.

"Your eminence?" Hopeless said. He still didn't look up from his work.

"I don't know," Skulduggery said, sounding far too serious. "I think 'my lordship' sounds just fine."

"Skulduggery, you're a pureblood, too, you utter dick," Dexter nearly shouted, "why don't they call you their lord?"

"I may be a pureblood, but I'm no Vexington. That honor falls to you, my lordship."

"I will kill all of you."

"Well," shrugged Ghastly, "if that's what my lordship wishes..."

Dexter's face felt unbearably hot - he was probably redder than his tie. His hands curled into fists at his sides. "Stop."

"You seem very tense, if I may say so, my lord," Larrikin said, slinking toward Dexter. "Perhaps I can help with that?" He slid his arms around Dexter's neck, clasping his hands together and leaning in alarmly close.

"Already trying to get favors from the nobility," noted Skulduggery. "Have you any shame, Larrikin?"

"Nope!" Larrikin said gleefully, popping the 'p'.

"I'm not interested," grumbled Dexter. That wasn't necessarily true, but Larrikin was just teasing. Dexter tried to push him away, though the attempt was half-hearted.

"But my lord," Larrikin purred in his ear - actually purred, which caused Saracen, Erskine, and Ghastly to snicker, "I'm only worried about your health."

"Oh, come off it, Larrikin," said Erskine, but the fact that he could barely hold in his laughter made him hard to take seriously. "In fact, all of us, we need to knock it off," he added, addressing the entire group.

"Thank you, Ers-"

"I mean, have you no respect for our lord and master?"

Dexter sighed. He really should have seen that coming.

"You're right, Ravel," said Larrikin, letting go of Dexter and standing up right. He went around so that he was standing in front of Dexter and gave a theatrical bow. "My sincerest apologies if I was too forward, my lordship. If there is anything you desire from me to make up for it, I would be glad to provide." He stressed the word 'desire,' glancing up at Dexter with sparkling eyes.

"My only desire is that you shut the hell up," muttered Dexter.

"As you wish, my lord." Larrikin raised a hand to his lips and made a zipping motion across them.

And then he sat down and didn't speak for 5 days.

The first day, it was a joke. The Dead Men were seeing how long he could hold out. He did very well, not saying a single word even when their Defense Against the Dark Arts professor yelled at him about how he was going to get himself killed if he didn't oay attention and answer questions. 

The second day, the others were impressed. Larrikin was quite the talker, by far the one with the most to say. But when anyone said something to him, he would just shake his head and look at Dexter.

Well, while Larrikin kept his great vow of silence, Saracen in particular encouraged other students to start calling Dexter Lord Vexington. The fact that strangers giggled Lord Vexington behind him while he tried to learn made Dexter less sympathetic to Larrikin's silence. 

On day three, Professor Jane, Hufflepuff's head of house, sent Larrikin to the Hospital Wing. It was a testimony to how much he typically went on and on and on...

By the fourth day, just about all the students and even some of the professors were calling him Lord Vexington. Dexter fumed, but his anger couldn't change anything. He'd thought about punch people (mostly Saracen), but that'd accomplish absolutely nothing, except making himself look like a douchebag. Larrikin, for his part, was released from the Hospital Wing due to the Madame not finding anything wrong with him besides his lack of vocals. Dexter was fairly certain that Anton went down there and explained the situation to her.

The fifth day brought an appeal for the termination of Dexter's demands over Larrikin. 

"Make way for the marvelous Lord Vexington," Saracen shouted, as he'd been doing for nearly a week. He'd proclaimed that he was Dexter's guard around the time that he'd committed treason by telling the entire world about the Lord Vexington thing.

Dexter bypassed the crowd of kids in the Gryffindor common room. How long would this stupid joke continue to be funny to them?

When he got up to his dorm, Anton was there, sitting on his bed. He had a Muggle book on his lap. 

"Anton." Anton glanced up from his book, then shut it. 

"Dexter. Tell Larrikin that he can speak again," said Anton without prelude. 

"You called me Dexter." He hadn't heard his name all week, and it was driving him nuts. "Is that only because you want something?"

"Naturally," replied Anton, "but I'll continue to call you Dexter in the event that you get Larrikin talking."

"You're always saying how annoying he is."

Anton gave a heavy sigh. "He isn't as annoying as I thought."

"Romantic," Dexter deadpanned. "Where is he, then?"

"Sytherin common room."

"That is a long walk."

"Well, my lord," Anton snapped bitingly, "why don't you get some of your subjects to carry you down there? I'm sure Erskine and Saracen would love that job."

Dexter rubbed the back of his neck, avoiding Anton's eyes in favor of looking at the drapes. Anton hadn't called him that stupid name much, and Dexter was pretty sure he had a thing for Larrikin. 

"I'll... I'll go down there. I'll go talk to Larrikin. But Anton, could you get them to knock it off?" 

Anton slowly shook his head. "I don't know. I'll try."

"Thank you."

"Bring Larrikin up here when you're finished, please."

Dexter, who at that point was just about out the door, paused. "You're not coming?"

A grin spread across Anton's face. "It's a long walk."

"You're a bastard," Dexter grumbled and headed off to find the least temperamental set of stairs.

Larrikin was not in the dungeons, nor was he in the Hufflepuff common room. Wasn't in his dorm, either, but Noctua was there. She hooted rather aggressively at Dexter when he poked his head in, which made Dexter think that maybe Anton wasn't the only one pissed about Larrikin's silence. 

Dexter left quickly, so as not to give her any more cause to attack him. The good news about Noctua being in Larrikin's dorm was that it meant he was somewhere in the castle. He'd never known Larrikin to go outside without her.

He climbed the stairs toward Ravenclaw tower, but failed to answer the question when he got there. He wasn't surprised by that; he had a pretty low success rate when it came to getting in. Usually Hopeless was around to answer it like the little genius that he was.

Dexter sat down outside of the entrance to Ravenclaw tower and waited. A few minutes later, a blonde first year girl walked up, her arms loaded down with books. 

"Here, let me help you with those," Dexter said, reaching out for the books. The girl hesitated, but then decided to hand them over. 

"Thank you." She smiled at him until her eyes landed on his gold and red tie. "What are you doing outside of Ravenclaw?"

"Looking for a friend," Dexter answered truthfully, if also vaguely. 

"I don't know if I'm allowed to let you in. Maybe you should just give those back." The girl played with a button on her blazer.

"No, it's alright, I go in with my friend Hopeless all the time." She peered at him, still messing with her button. 

"You know Hopeless? You're one of his friends?"

"Yeah. Um, you know him?" 

"He tutors me in Potions," she admitted. "Okay, but if anyone asks, it wasn't me that let you in." 

Dexter didn't bother to tell her that it would be pretty obvious that he was with her what with him carrying her books and all. She eyed him while she whispered the answer to that stupid question Dexter hadn't been able to figure out. 

Slipping into the common room behind the girl, Dexter couldn't help but laugh. Ravenclaws were always studying, and the ones doing so in the common room glared at him. What a bunch of nerds.

"You can just put those on the table there," said the girl, "thank you." Dexter set the books down on the table she'd pointed at and then headed for the boys' dormitories. 

"Oh look, Lord Vexington thinks he can go wherever he wants," some Ravenclaw snarked behind him. 

Dexter whipped around. "Yeah, all the commentary from the peanut gallery is going to my head," he snapped hotly. "I really am starting to think I'm a lord. Yeah. Because that makes a fuckton of sense."

"This is exactly what I meant," said the Ravenclaw, his arms crossed over his chest. "You and your friends think you can do whatever you want - just like your family thinks it can."

"I haven't even done anything to you!"

"You're breaking the goddamn rules right now! That affects all of us!"

"Jerry, leave him alone," said the girl Dexter had just carried the books for. "He's a nice guy."

"He's out of your league, Jane, so why don't you stay out of it," growled the asshole, Jerry. 

"Is there a problem?" came a quiet voice. Hopeless moved into Dexter's line of vision, coming up beside him and giving Jerry a pointed look.

"Your friend's the problem," mumbled Jerry.

"Look, Hopeless, have you seen Larrikin? I just want to talk to him," Dexter said. He was done with this stupid confrontation. 

"Oh yeah, the boy you made shut up all week. I'm sure you really want to talk," spat Jerry. 

"He's trying to get into the restricted section by convincing Madame Lorraine that he has a curse on him that's keeping him mute," Hopeless said. 

"Thanks," Dexter said. He made for the exit, barely resisting the urge to bump Jerry as he went by. He was too old for that petty crap.

When Dexter finally made it to the library, he saw Larrikin right away. He was miming something to Madame Lorraine, who kept shaking her head at him. 

"Larrikin!" Dexter shouted, and Madame Lorraine gave him a nasty glare. Larrikin spun around, and, grinning as he went, flounced over to where Dexter was.

Dexter ushered him out of the library to escape Lorraine's evil eye. "Larrikin, I can't believe you're keeping this up."

Larrikin said nothing, only blinked.

"Goddammit, you can talk now," Dexter snapped.

Larrikin let out a huge breath, like he'd been holding that in with his words all week. "Of course I kept it up, my lord."

"Could you knock that the fuck off?"

Larrikin's grin dropped. "Guess we really pushed you over the edge, huh?"

"You think?"

"Look, Dex, if you'd have just told us your name, we probably wouldn't have made such a big deal out of it."

"I don't like my name."

Larrikin put his hands on his hips. "I don't like how aggressive you were. We were just teasing you, Dex. We do it to each other all the fucking time."

"Saracen got everyone doing it!"

"Saracen has a big crush on you, and he doesn't know how to deal with it!"

"He... what?"

Larrikin sighed. "Forget I said that."

"How am I supposed to forget that?!"

"Listen, Dex, you went out of line, so we reacted out of line."

"I..." Dexter didn't know what to say. Saracen had a thing for him? What was he meant to do with that information? 

"But I think everyone's about over it, okay? So we can all just... chill now."

Belatedly, it occured to Dexter that Larrikin was still talking about the Lord Vexington thing. "Yeah, okay," he said, "but how do you know Saracen likes me that way?"

Larrikin rolled his eyes. "Now you're going to be hung up on that, aren't you? Just pay attention to the way he looks at you, moron."

"He looks at me a certain way?"

"Like you're a Victoria's Secret model or something."

"A what-?"

"Never mind," said Larrikin. "You shouls really talk to him about it. And get over your last name. It's not a big deal."

"Yeah, okay," Dexter said. Saracen liked him. "Do you know where Saracen is?"

"Haven't seen him."

"I'm going to go find him. Oh, and Anton wanted to see you. He's up in my dorm."

"Well, why don't we head up there, then? Saracen's probably there anyhow."

Dexter nodded, and the two of them took to the stairs.


End file.
